I'm feeling nervous...

So, I'm going to use this as a forum to process my thoughts today. Not sure yet if I'll even publish it. I'm not sure that I'm looking for advice...more I just want to get everything down so that I can think it through.

The background: I wasn't very prepared when I delivered Hudson. I took a wait and see attitude about drugs (and therefore got them). Before having said drugs the nurses were telling me to breath during the contractions. I thought they meant some fancy breathing technique that I didn't learn because I didn't take any classes. They just meant to breath. At all. I was holding my breath and was so tense. I won't lie. The drugs were nice. But I couldn't tell when to push. And when Hudson came out he had some breathing issues and I didn't get to hold my baby for 12 hours...and I had to leave the hospital without him.

I don't want to imply that I blame the drugs or I blame myself for Hudson's medical issues. He ended up fine, he's a sweet loving little boy...he breastfed fine, despite not getting that skin on skin contact in the first moments of life that all the breastfeeding experts will tell you is so important. And I can't say that I necessarily regret the way his birth went. It was what it was. I know that rarely is birth going to be perfect and that in the grand scheme of things I had few problems. But this time around I am hoping that things will be a bit different.

I did a bit of research and bought a book about The Bradley Method of natural delivery. It's been interesting to read and has given me confidence that with some preparation and training I believe that I can deliver this baby without drugs. Up until today I haven't really felt nervous about the delivery part. Unlike last time when I was VERY nervous about delivery and I was VERY nervous about having a baby at all. This time around I have just felt more excited (not about the delivery part...about the having the baby part!) and more confident. But I still knew that I would need to be prepared and I would need J to be prepared to help me, otherwise it was quite likely that I would say yes to the drugs. So I talked to a friend who took classes in the Bradley Method and used the instructor as her doula. She had a good experience and strongly recommended this lady.

So today I called her. At first she seemed a bit abrupt and not that friendly, but she warmed up and I later realized that I had caught her just as she had come home from a trip out of town. She doesn't have any openings in any classes, but I could hire her as my doula and she would help me prepare for having a natural delivery. I'm still feeling good up until this point, except about the financial aspect. I'm thinking to myself..."is it worth the money to do this? How much do I want this?". Then she asks who my doctor is.

It turns out that she has had a bad experience with my doctor and that she has heard from her students that some of them have had negative experiences as well. She tried to be diplomatic, but I asked her to be honest with me, so she gave me some examples. She is not even sure that my doctor would agree to let her be in the room and wants me to talk with my doctor before she takes me as a client. Basically, it made me really question whether or not I would be able to have the birth I want if I continue to see my doctor...with or without the doula.

The doula gave me some ideas of other doctors I could see and said that if I am not happy with my doctor or I don't foresee being happy with the way my delivery goes because of my doctor, that it is NOT too late to switch doctors. So now I am stuck trying to weigh all of these issues in my mind...I don't really WANT to switch doctors. There is something kind of traumatic about that; there are billing complications; and frankly, I feel like a bit of a loser going to my fourth OB during this pregnancy. But at the same time, if I spend the time and money preparing with a doula, and then my doctor goes back on her word for her own convenience, is that worse? I know that doctors are the ones who are trained to deliver babies, but I also know that the general assumption in the current culture is to help the mother along (through different methods and drugs) rather than giving the body time to do what it's supposed to do.

Partially I just feel frustrated with myself. Why did I wait until week 30 to start looking into this stuff? Seriously I don't want to deal with changing doctors...and yet as I write it out I think that perhaps that's what I need to do, if I'm truly going to feel comfortable with how this all ends up.

I fully realize that I can never plan out the birth of my child...I don't know what will happen. And I know that having a healthy baby is the most important end result. I really don't think I will be upset if there is a circumstance beyond my control. But I do think that I will be upset if I am just not prepared or if my doctor makes decisions for me for her own convenience that I believe could have been avoided. The thing that scares me is that she can tell me whatever she wants, whatever I want to hear, when we meet for my appointments...but ultimately she is the one who is in control when the time comes to deliver my baby, and I know that it will be a lot harder to make my feelings known at that time. It worries me that, at least according to this doula, my doctor seems to have a history of not necessarily taking the mother's wishes into account over her own opinions in situations where the should be a choice.

The phone conversation with the doula had to end quickly, but I'm supposed to call her back this evening. I'm not sure J will be crazy about the doula idea or the switching doctors idea...he already thinks I'm nuts for not wanting drugs. And yet I think he understands that IF I could do something to perhaps minimize the need for oxygen globes and antibiotics and leaving the hospital without our baby he needs to support me in that.

Please know that I don't mean to imply that induction and epidurals and other drugs are bad...I have just found that since becoming a mother I have become a bit more...natural? conscious of additives (used in a general sense)? crunchy? Everyone has to do what he or she thinks is best and even if I don't think it's best for me, I will never dispute a person's right to make his or her own decision.

Finally!

So after months of rebelling, making excuses, using avoidance techniques, and putting my child in hats almost every time we left the house, I finally decided to cut his hair. My mom and dad harassed me about Hudson's hair for most of their visit to Idaho over the summer. So much so that I got a bit annoyed and may have snapped about how I'll cut it when I'm ready. This is perhaps why 1) my husband has been remarkably subtle and gentle and passive in his comments about our son's hair and 2) my parents seemed to drop the issue in recent months.

I've just been afraid that if I cut off his curls, they won't grow back. And for every two or three days that it looked like a messy rat's nest, there was a good day. A day where the top and sides lay nicely and the curls in the back were beautiful ringlets. I do realize as I type this that many masculine types would prefer to not have their hair (or their son's hair) described as "beautiful ringlets". In fact, there was a time or two the he was mistaken for a girl. Stupid people...he's never even remotely dressed like a girl. Grrr.

My MIL, to her credit, never said a negative thing about his hair. In fact, I think she loved it as much or even more than I did. But I think she understood, as I did, that it was time.

I didn't want to take him somewhere...partially because I wasn't ready for a full on little boy hair cut and partially because by the time I pick him up after work he's starting to get tired, and I didn't figure a trip to the barber shop would be high on his list of enjoyable activities. So we set him down in front of Elmo with some crackers while I snipped away. Actually, I only cut the back and a very little around the sides.

I'm sad that I didn't get a good before picture (stupid, stupid). But I did at least save a ringlet!

Not a great picture, but you can still see a bit of the length in the back...

I only had one brief moment of panic and sadness...pretty good seeing as the pregnancy hormones seem to have kicked it into high gear the last couple of days...

My MIL got it a bit wet in the back so that we could see that there were still curls there...thank goodness!

I left the length on the sides and top...I'm not sure exactly what else to do with it!

"Mom, I am watching Elmo and trying to eat this cracker and NO, I will not smile for a picture." (believe it or not this was the BEST after shot I could get!)

Pictures, pictures, pictures!

Backyard...

This actually seems really sad right now. I just have to remember that sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. For your sake I'm only including the viewpoint from the patio/back door...

Before. Pool is clean, trees are planted.

The palm tree had to go (it was in the way of the sewer line) so I had the tree guys remove everything green while they were at it.

Demolition begins. The fence gets torn down. Just days before my neighbor is set to move back home with her three dogs. Great.

New fence is put up. The walls of the pool (well, 18-24 inches anyway) are torn down. Now we're just waiting on more dirt. And waiting. No progress the past few days.

The Boy

The other day he thought it would be fun to climb into the bottom shelf. Of course I couldn't get my camera out and turned on fast enough to get a picture of him stuffed in there...but I did get a few cute shots as he climbed out. You can tell by the cheesy grin that he noticed the camera...

Blankets

This is for Sally. Here is evidence not only that I do have a bit of domestic goddess in me (laughing as I type) but that I am NOT destined to be a good photographer. I would blame my lack of quality equipment (and the fact that my point and shoot camera battery is dying and I can't find the charger), but the reality is that I just don't have the patience or desire to figure out a good place to put the blanket, get good light on the blanket, and then take a decent shot of the blanket. So Sally...you can see it in person in SIX WEEKS (woohoo!), but until then, here it is...

...and here is the one I made for J last year in case you hadn't seen it...

Us
Just because we rarely get this dressed up.

More Happenings...

So I believe I promised that I would post some pictures. Pictures of Hudson? Um...haven't really taken any lately. Pictures of our backyard transformation? That would require me to plug the camera into the computer, wait for them to upload (download? I can't be bothered to remember which is which) and then post them. Not happening tonight. Pictures of the blanket I made over the summer? That would require all of the above plus me actually getting the blanket out to take a picture. Really not going to happen. So I looked around on the computer and found these pictures of my pup. She's hanging out with my parents right now to avoid the dirty backyard and the loud noises and I miss having her around. These were from the end of our summer in Idaho...hanging out at the park while Hudson played.

I like lying in the grass...

I think I'll roll around a bit...

I call this the "dead cockroach".

In other news...

• It's a BOY!!! Which I doubt is really news for most of you, since I could barely wait to tell our parents before posting it on Facebook. We are not at all patient or original or clever and therefore just went the "It's a boy!" route in sharing the news. Except with J's parents we asked Hudson if he wanted a brother or a sister. He tried to repeat sister and then we had to let him down...poor kid. I think he'll actually be pretty happy to have a little brother. We were excited...we were kind of hoping for another boy. Although now I keep thinking about all of the little girl things I'll never do and the relationship with a daughter I'll never have (since two is our limit!). BUT...I love my little boy and I do truly look forward to having another one! And I'm happy to get to use all the cute boy clothes again! (note: I am trying HARD to ignore the fact that this paragraph is a different color from the others...stupid blogger...or maybe stupid me for not being able to fix it?)

• We are living at home again! The sewer part of the project is done and I am quite thankful to be able to flush toilets, run the garbage disposal and do laundry again. I can't say that we are quite into a routine yet since we have jack hammers and saws making noise in the backyard affecting nap time, and J and my dad are working on a new fence in the evenings. But I am glad to be home and I am looking forward to my new backyard!

• Getting dressed has not be fun lately. I really don't want to be one of those complain-y pregnant people because 1) I'm very thankful to be pregnant, 2) It's amazing to think that a person (who I will love as much as Hudson...really??) is growing in me, and 3) I really do pregnancy easily compared to some people. But with that said, finding things to wear to work has been a challenge. I have 4-5 things I can wear on the bottom (skirts, capris, etc) that actually kind of fit. I am NOT one of those pregnant people who can wear my regular clothes for the first six months and just leave the button undone. Unfortunately my butt grows far before my belly does. So while baby seems to have grown in the past couple weeks, I still am not really big enough to wear most of my maternity pants. Shirts are also fun, seeing as my chest tries to keep up with my butt in the growth department. Add in the beginning of a belly and I just look...thick. So I have had to go with maternity shirts, most of which make me look a bit like I'm wearing a tent. Good times.

• In more happy clothing news, Lorie is wonderful and amazing and invited me over to raid her closet for something to wear to the wedding reception we are going to on Saturday. Not only did she have a dress which fits and I feel rather cute in, but she let me borrow shoes AND jewelry to match! I've felt happy all day just thinking about getting to dress up and go out with my husband! Not to mention I'm totally curious about this reception...it's a former student of J's who got married in India in a (semi?) arranged marriage. We decided to go with the Indian vegetarian buffet rather than the American buffet because we're daring like that. Now I just need to remember to take pictures and tell you about it...

• We are having to spend nearly $2000 fixing up a car that we don't really like. It's hard to express how we feel about this. You can probably guess. Sometimes I feel like I don't really have hardship in my life and I wonder if I don't rely on God as much as I should because things are good. And then the last few weeks happen, which I know are not truly hardship and for that I am thankful. But there have been frustrations and there is definitely not $2000 sitting around in the bank that we WANT to use on this car. And it makes me realize that I need to rely on God for everything...because despite the outcomes of our trials, I know that He is the only one who can help me be the type of person I want to be through the good and difficult times...a person who is patient, humble, forgiving, loving, giving, not selfish, slow to anger...not selfish, not selfish...

Happenings

It feels like I haven't stopped going going going since we returned to Bakersfield a little over a week ago. I guess that it seems particularly frantic given the slow pace of our summer. Here are a few things that have been going on...

• I was able to get an appointment with my regular OB, Dr. W. What a relief it was to get to see her again! It was kind of one of those nothing appointments where I pee in a cup and she listens to the baby's heartbeat so I guess I didn't really need to drag J along with me. I thought that just maybe since she hadn't seen me yet during this pregnancy she would want to do an ultrasound. But she normally does those on Mondays so she said to schedule for 3-4 weeks. Not a big deal...except that three weeks is Labor Day so they are closed. Four weeks is booked because three weeks is a holiday. And five weeks sounds really far away. So Tisha (who I mentioned before just might be my BFF. If I used that term. Which I really don't.) asked Dr. W if they could do it in two weeks...which is one week from today AND she got me a late afternoon appointment so that J won't have to take off work. So in a week we will get to see our baby and find out if it's a boy or a girl. AND she was wonderful about listening to what the other doctor said about my diet and weight gain and such and basically said not to worry about it. As long as I am generally eating healthy and exercising she is not worried about it.

• I have been feeling baby move this past week...I love it!

• The first day of school has come and gone. I am reminded how thankful I am that I am only working part time. Although I didn't get to rush to pick up my boy today, I am so glad that most days I don't have to be away from him all day! Is it bad to form opinions of my classes on the first day? I could be wrong, but I think my second period is going to be my challenge this year, while third period seems like they will be a lot easier. This is reversed from last year. I can't figure out if I would rather end my (very short) work day with a challenge or start with it. I guess I don't really have a choice so I may as well make the best of it!

• We were home for about three days before our sewer line gave up on us and backed up into the downstairs bathtub and then, later, the entire bathroom. Nasty. Seriously nasty. My poor, sweet husband got stuck cleaning it up. We tried to get it roto-rooted (??) but it is so far gone that it didn't work. We managed to hang on for a few days while trying to figure out what to do...but on Friday we realized that even draining the water from our shower was causing it to back up. So we've moved out and I'm talking to a few different plumbing companies to try to figure out the best course of action.

• In the meantime I have decided that I want to demolish my backyard. Really. The entire thing...gone. I figure that if they have to dig up part of my backyard to fix the sewer problem, including part of the deck around the pool, we may as well use this as an opportunity to redo our backyard. I have always hated our backyard. It is one of the things I most dislike about where we live. Which implies that there are many things I dislike. Which isn't really the case at all. There are actually a lot of things I like about living downtown. My backyard just isn't one of them. Especially now that we have a toddler who LOVES dirt, I really want a safe place for him to play. We have a great front yard, but it is on a fairly busy street and it just isn't that great a place for him to play. And how nice it would be to have a place where Hudson can run around and play and I can sit in a chair and watch while holding the new baby! The thought of it makes me so happy! So as I type I have some tree guys here getting rid of everything green in my backyard (don't worry...there weren't any good trees...I'm not into getting rid of good trees...there was a very large palm tree that had to go no matter what because it was in the way of the sewer line) and I am working on getting bids to fill in the pool! I know it seems strange to be so excited about getting rid of a pool, but I really am!

• Living with the in-laws. I have to admit that Saturday morning I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and more than a bit frustrated. Don't get me wrong...my in-laws are wonderful and generous and made beds and moved mattresses and cleaned bathrooms at 8 o'clock at night when we said we were coming over. It just takes a bit of adjusting for me to not be living in my own house and instead be in the same room with my toddler in a house with people who just do things differently than I do them. Not wrong, just different. The weekend before school starts. When I'm not even done unpacking from my summer. I'm over it now, and while it is still inconvenient, I am so thankful to have them to help with dishes and laundry, and Hudson. Oh and did I mention that my MIL has Hudson ALL DAY today while I am at the house dealing with tree removal and estimates? And I know that he is playing and talking to "Damma" and having a great time.

Okay, that's it for now. I need to go take advantage of this time at home with no one to look after. And another plumber just called to say he is on his way. I promise that my next post will have pictures...maybe of my backyard project, maybe of my blanket I made (that's for you Sally), maybe of my boy!

Perspective

It's been a crappy morning. And a not particularly good week. And what I would really like to do is bitch and complain about all of my problems and bad luck. But every time I start to do that in my mind, I am reminded about how lucky I truly am, how minute my problems really are, how fleeting my frustrations. So instead, I am going to take a few minutes to list some things that I am truly thankful for...

• I have family and friends who love me and would do anything they could to help me.

• It is easy for me to get pregnant, I have no sickness and so far have had no complications and very few of the issues that often come with pregnancy (and my AFP came back normal!).

• My God is faithful, loves me and answers prayers, even when I have doubts that He can.

• My family is healthy. I do not have to start the school year by having chemo and then surgery to try to fight breast cancer (like one of my colleagues does).

• I have (in my rather biased opinion) the sweetest and smartest little boy that ever there was. I am in love with him more and more each day and cannot fathom it when a friend said that she loves her girls now (as teenagers) more than ever before. How could I love him more than now? He gives me hugs and pets my hair and wants me to play with him, and even though he can't say it yet, I know that he loves me.

• My husband and I have very secure jobs. I can pretty much dictate how much I want to work and when. This is nothing to take for granted at any time, but especially right now I am thankful.

• I have a husband who loves me, supports me, helps me and would do anything he could to make me happy.

• When I came home this morning, there was no raw sewage in my bathtub and my bathroom was not flooded.

Summer Goals - recap

I am actually pretty happy with the things I got done this summer. Well, mostly happy.

My recap:

1. Read 5 books. In addition to Just Breathe and Sister of My Heart, I finished Lucia, Lucia, Interpreter of Maladies and The Shack (there may have been another in there, but I can't remember). I didn't really like The Shack, but forced myself to finish it anyway. Nothing too difficult or amazing, although I would certainly recommend Sister of My Heart if you enjoy stories about Indian culture.

2. Sewing projects - I finished every project that I took with me! I made three minky blankets that I left in Idaho and finished another blanket (squares of fabric on one side, minky on the other) that I brought home. I should take pictures of it for you, but that would require too much work. Sorry. I'm lazy. And have Geometry I should be planning.

3. Exercise routine - I had a semi-routine to do my weights when Hudson would nap, but didn't really walk as much as I should have. I'm going to pay for it now that I'm home (in more ways than one - I have no clothes that fit, ugh!). I went to the gym last night and could feel it by this morning. And it wasn't even that intense (after all, it was the "pregnancy workout" as we refer to it).

4. Hudson's baby book - my only true and complete and total, utter failure. It was not opened. I suck.

5. Tech-free Tuesday - I didn't always do it on Tuesdays, and there was a week or two that I didn't do it at all, but in general I met this goal. Sometimes it was nice and sometimes it just felt lame because I would spend twice as much time on my phone the following day. Trying to decide if I'll do something similar now that I'm home...probably not.

6. Three new recipes - I made Pioneer Women's Risotto (good, but a lot of work and kind of smooshy and gross leftover), Lisa's Caprese Chicken Pasta (very good, I used fresh mozzerella), Andrea's Spaghetti Sauce (good, although I made some changes that made it less healthy - I used half sausage and half ground beef - I do want to try it with the turkey though) and Thai Chicken Wraps (so good I made them twice, although I had to add some sugar to the peanut sauce - to vinegary for my tastes). My goal now that I'm back to "real life" is to plan out our meals for the week. So far this week it's going pretty well!

7. Photo books - Thanks to my amazing, hard working, super helpful husband, this got done! And more! I was hoping for at least two books...he finished FOUR for me (well, for us, really)! And I found a 40% off promo code! So so happy! And now that I know he is so good at it, I am motivated to organize our Australia pictures (which are on a bunch of CDs) so that he can put together a book for that trip!

So, with the exception of that one thing, I really feel quite successful! I think it is good for me to write out my goals - and also good to post them here. Because even though they make for somewhat boring blog posts, it holds me accountable in some strange way!