SLR camera, take one

I'm posting these in the hope that they will eventually be my "before" pictures. That someday I will be able to look back on these and see how much my photography skills have improved. Because I know they aren't great. I'm not sure I will ever have that "eye", that artistic edge that I would need to really be a photographer. And I know that I definitely have a lot to learn. But they are a start...and are a lot better than my point and shoot can do (I feel like a bit of a traitor...my point and shoot has been good to me). I look forward to learning more about lighting, and playing more with adjusting the shutter speed and ISO. And I've heard something about white noise (?? I think) but have no idea what that is or how to adjust it. And editing? That kind of overwhelms me (help, Barbie!). I'm thankful that Christie took the time to show me a few things and I'm proud of myself for taking it off automatic!

I learned that even with a good camera, it is STILL hard to shoot a toddler. Who is so excited to run around the Christmas tree lot. Who wants the "bigger one" and is enamored with the flocked trees (ick...sorry we're not fans).

I learned that just because you have a good camera, it doesn't mean your subject will actually look at you...

Or smile... (there's something about his serious expression that I love here!)

And when you do get that sweet smile, you might have weird back light and the sneaking suspicion that perhaps you were focused more on his shoulder than his face...

It was still fun though and I'm excited that it will soon be mine and I will get to practice, practice, practice! Merry Christmas to me!

Baby is coming!

But hopefully not for another month!

I got to see him today, not that he was terribly cooperative. I learned that his head is in fact pushing up into my ribs on my right side. He is folded so that his butt is on my left side and his feet are up against my cervix. I guess this is called footling breech and is actually less common than being butt down. It totally makes sense because I feel him kicking a lot more internally than I did with Hudson. He is facing kind of toward my back and had his hands up to his face so I didn't really good a good profile or face shot. He is definitely a boy although he didn't even want to show that off...I wouldn't have been able to tell without the ultrasound tech pointing things out...unlike last time when it was quite obvious!

So...I'm still trying not to stress and I should probably stop reading things on the internet. I need to balance being informed with reading stuff that will make me freak out. He still could turn, my doctor is willing to try to turn him externally, and he is willing to talk about vaginal birth (and is experienced with vaginal breech births) as the time gets closer. I'm not at all set on this, because of course I want to minimize the risks, but I appreciate that I feel like I will be presented with the information and allowed to be part of the decision make process rather than told what I must do.

In the meantime, I'm trying to balance baby preparations with Christmas preparations. The other day I was in Target's diaper aisle to get some more night time pull ups (you know, to put OVER the night time diapers in hopes that this will prevent leakage...it works most nights) and I decided to also pick up some of these...
I didn't get a very big package since I think Hudson was in the newborn size for about a week before movin' on up.

I also decided that I wanted a new going home outfit for this little guy. I wasn't super thrilled with what we used for Hudson. I ended up with this cute Tea Collection outfit...

The hat is reversible.

I'm just a little worried that it's too big. So now I'm debating whether or not I should buy something even smaller?!? Argh! I don't need anything else to shop for or stress over!

Regardless of how he is delivered, or how much he weighs, or what he wears on the way home, or what his name is (yikes, don't get me started...oh wait, there's nothing to start because we have made NO decisions) I am totally excited to meet this little guy. I am also a bit nervous...and not just for the delivery issues, but also just for the "how this is going to change my life" issues and even more importantly how it is going to change Hudson's life. But that will have to be a post for another time. In the meantime, I pray that he stays healthy and that he turns around!

Doctor Update

I hope it doesn't come across like I'm trying to show off how smart my son is. I do think he's smart...in fact sometimes it's a bit freakish and I actually hesitate to tell people some of the things he says and knows. I'm not into making him do flashcards or having school time (not that there's anything wrong with those things...I'm just lazy!)...he just picks things up easily. I just want to post updates because I am SO horrible at putting things in his baby book...and I find that it's hard to remember what he was like a few months ago.

So I ended up changing doctors. I talked with Dr. W and could tell that she wasn't really that on board with the whole natural birth idea and especially using a doula...so I am now seeing Dr. O. The whole changing doctors week was somewhat traumatic...having to tell my story to the new doctor's office...waiting to see if they would accept me as a patient...having to tell Tisha (Dr. W's amazing front desk lady) that was I was dumping them...then having to go in to sign the release so that Tisha could transfer my records. We decided to hire Sharon, the doula. I felt relief for about two days...until I saw Dr. O.

His office was fine...he seemed nice. We talked for a bit...nothing really noteworthy. I think he'll be a good doctor for me. Then he feels my belly and tells me that he thinks the baby is breech right now. Seriously? After all this changing doctors, hiring doulas, practicing relaxation, etc...I reallyreallyreally don't want to have a c-section.

Now of course baby could move...and Dr. O couldn't even tell for sure (at least he claimed he couldn't...maybe he was just trying to make me feel better). I have an ultrasound on Monday so we can see baby's position. And I really do know that the most important thing is that baby and I are healthy. I am trying to stay positive and am really praying and hoping that this baby boy will decide he would be a lot more comfortable being in a head down position!

Things to Remember

I think I'll do a combo Halloween/Pumpkin Patch/What's up with my boy post...

• We went to a cute birthday party the week before Halloween where the kids wore their costumes. There were all sorts of fun games and food. What did Hudson like the best? Popcorn. And escaping to go walk down the street. "Mommy, Hudson walk". Hmmm...does my boy share daddy's anti-social tendencies? In the picture you'll notice his fishing pole. He wasn't really interested in carrying it around, so I thought I'd try to get it in a picture somehow!

• He was much happier wearing his fisherman outfit this year than he was wearing his monkey suit last year. I think it was smart of mom to go with somewhat normal clothes...not to mention economical! We went to a few houses...mainly just neighbors of my parents that we know...and then I put all the candy in the bowl to be given away! He never knew the difference!

• Some things I learned from the pumpkin patch this year: 22 month olds are MUCH harder to photograph than are 10 month olds. Hudson did NOT want to take a picture with mommy...

• Pregnant women need to be careful about their positioning and posture while taking pictures(sorry...I'm not including photographic evidence...you'll have to trust me).

• I do in fact want a fancy DSLR camera. The only decent pictures we got from the pumpkin patch were thanks to Barbie! (sidenote: thanks Barbie for cropping this one!)

• My boy loves loves loves animals. His current favorite reading material is a catalog of photographic prints from a photographer who has a shop near our place in Idaho. He loves to look at the bear, bison, elk, deer, owls, eagles, wolves, etc and tell us all about them. One day J told him that some animal (I now forget which one) lives in Kenya, so now when you ask him where the ______ (insert any animal) lives he will often say "Kenya"! So funny!

• I can't keep track of all the words he knows and funny things he says. The night before last as we were reading and getting ready to go to bed (we lie together, often all three of us, on the guest bed before taking him to his room) he pats J and says "Big, Daddy", and then pats me and says "Little, Mommy". Ahhhh...music to any pregnant woman's ears! Last night he said "Mommymommymommy...Hudson...question for you", followed by something unintelligible. I decided that he must get it from Elmo's World when Elmo says "Now Elmo has a question FOOOORRRR you".

• I remember reading a blurb about a potty training book. The premise was knowing your child and how they respond to things and what would work for them in terms of explanation, reward, etc. The only one I remember was the "physical touch" child. It stuck in my mind because I really think that is Hudson. He still loves petting my hair and cuddling, and his favorite way to fall asleep (or relax to go to sleep since I rarely let him fall asleep with me anymore) is with both arms wrapped around my neck and his face buried next to my face. Even when he is awake and playing, his favorite game is to either climb all over mommy (sorry about that little babe...good thing you're well cushioned in there) or play "hide" under the blanket together. Anything where we are together and touching!

• His interest has moved on from numbers to letters. He loves pointing out letters that he knows and will find them EVERY WHERE. It's actually quite convenient in terms of occupying him while we're out and about. Once he started showing an interest, I put in his Leap Frog Letter Factory video and now he can say most of his sounds too!

I'm feeling nervous...

So, I'm going to use this as a forum to process my thoughts today. Not sure yet if I'll even publish it. I'm not sure that I'm looking for advice...more I just want to get everything down so that I can think it through.

The background: I wasn't very prepared when I delivered Hudson. I took a wait and see attitude about drugs (and therefore got them). Before having said drugs the nurses were telling me to breath during the contractions. I thought they meant some fancy breathing technique that I didn't learn because I didn't take any classes. They just meant to breath. At all. I was holding my breath and was so tense. I won't lie. The drugs were nice. But I couldn't tell when to push. And when Hudson came out he had some breathing issues and I didn't get to hold my baby for 12 hours...and I had to leave the hospital without him.

I don't want to imply that I blame the drugs or I blame myself for Hudson's medical issues. He ended up fine, he's a sweet loving little boy...he breastfed fine, despite not getting that skin on skin contact in the first moments of life that all the breastfeeding experts will tell you is so important. And I can't say that I necessarily regret the way his birth went. It was what it was. I know that rarely is birth going to be perfect and that in the grand scheme of things I had few problems. But this time around I am hoping that things will be a bit different.

I did a bit of research and bought a book about The Bradley Method of natural delivery. It's been interesting to read and has given me confidence that with some preparation and training I believe that I can deliver this baby without drugs. Up until today I haven't really felt nervous about the delivery part. Unlike last time when I was VERY nervous about delivery and I was VERY nervous about having a baby at all. This time around I have just felt more excited (not about the delivery part...about the having the baby part!) and more confident. But I still knew that I would need to be prepared and I would need J to be prepared to help me, otherwise it was quite likely that I would say yes to the drugs. So I talked to a friend who took classes in the Bradley Method and used the instructor as her doula. She had a good experience and strongly recommended this lady.

So today I called her. At first she seemed a bit abrupt and not that friendly, but she warmed up and I later realized that I had caught her just as she had come home from a trip out of town. She doesn't have any openings in any classes, but I could hire her as my doula and she would help me prepare for having a natural delivery. I'm still feeling good up until this point, except about the financial aspect. I'm thinking to myself..."is it worth the money to do this? How much do I want this?". Then she asks who my doctor is.

It turns out that she has had a bad experience with my doctor and that she has heard from her students that some of them have had negative experiences as well. She tried to be diplomatic, but I asked her to be honest with me, so she gave me some examples. She is not even sure that my doctor would agree to let her be in the room and wants me to talk with my doctor before she takes me as a client. Basically, it made me really question whether or not I would be able to have the birth I want if I continue to see my doctor...with or without the doula.

The doula gave me some ideas of other doctors I could see and said that if I am not happy with my doctor or I don't foresee being happy with the way my delivery goes because of my doctor, that it is NOT too late to switch doctors. So now I am stuck trying to weigh all of these issues in my mind...I don't really WANT to switch doctors. There is something kind of traumatic about that; there are billing complications; and frankly, I feel like a bit of a loser going to my fourth OB during this pregnancy. But at the same time, if I spend the time and money preparing with a doula, and then my doctor goes back on her word for her own convenience, is that worse? I know that doctors are the ones who are trained to deliver babies, but I also know that the general assumption in the current culture is to help the mother along (through different methods and drugs) rather than giving the body time to do what it's supposed to do.

Partially I just feel frustrated with myself. Why did I wait until week 30 to start looking into this stuff? Seriously I don't want to deal with changing doctors...and yet as I write it out I think that perhaps that's what I need to do, if I'm truly going to feel comfortable with how this all ends up.

I fully realize that I can never plan out the birth of my child...I don't know what will happen. And I know that having a healthy baby is the most important end result. I really don't think I will be upset if there is a circumstance beyond my control. But I do think that I will be upset if I am just not prepared or if my doctor makes decisions for me for her own convenience that I believe could have been avoided. The thing that scares me is that she can tell me whatever she wants, whatever I want to hear, when we meet for my appointments...but ultimately she is the one who is in control when the time comes to deliver my baby, and I know that it will be a lot harder to make my feelings known at that time. It worries me that, at least according to this doula, my doctor seems to have a history of not necessarily taking the mother's wishes into account over her own opinions in situations where the should be a choice.

The phone conversation with the doula had to end quickly, but I'm supposed to call her back this evening. I'm not sure J will be crazy about the doula idea or the switching doctors idea...he already thinks I'm nuts for not wanting drugs. And yet I think he understands that IF I could do something to perhaps minimize the need for oxygen globes and antibiotics and leaving the hospital without our baby he needs to support me in that.

Please know that I don't mean to imply that induction and epidurals and other drugs are bad...I have just found that since becoming a mother I have become a bit more...natural? conscious of additives (used in a general sense)? crunchy? Everyone has to do what he or she thinks is best and even if I don't think it's best for me, I will never dispute a person's right to make his or her own decision.

Finally!

So after months of rebelling, making excuses, using avoidance techniques, and putting my child in hats almost every time we left the house, I finally decided to cut his hair. My mom and dad harassed me about Hudson's hair for most of their visit to Idaho over the summer. So much so that I got a bit annoyed and may have snapped about how I'll cut it when I'm ready. This is perhaps why 1) my husband has been remarkably subtle and gentle and passive in his comments about our son's hair and 2) my parents seemed to drop the issue in recent months.

I've just been afraid that if I cut off his curls, they won't grow back. And for every two or three days that it looked like a messy rat's nest, there was a good day. A day where the top and sides lay nicely and the curls in the back were beautiful ringlets. I do realize as I type this that many masculine types would prefer to not have their hair (or their son's hair) described as "beautiful ringlets". In fact, there was a time or two the he was mistaken for a girl. Stupid people...he's never even remotely dressed like a girl. Grrr.

My MIL, to her credit, never said a negative thing about his hair. In fact, I think she loved it as much or even more than I did. But I think she understood, as I did, that it was time.

I didn't want to take him somewhere...partially because I wasn't ready for a full on little boy hair cut and partially because by the time I pick him up after work he's starting to get tired, and I didn't figure a trip to the barber shop would be high on his list of enjoyable activities. So we set him down in front of Elmo with some crackers while I snipped away. Actually, I only cut the back and a very little around the sides.

I'm sad that I didn't get a good before picture (stupid, stupid). But I did at least save a ringlet!

Not a great picture, but you can still see a bit of the length in the back...

I only had one brief moment of panic and sadness...pretty good seeing as the pregnancy hormones seem to have kicked it into high gear the last couple of days...

My MIL got it a bit wet in the back so that we could see that there were still curls there...thank goodness!

I left the length on the sides and top...I'm not sure exactly what else to do with it!

"Mom, I am watching Elmo and trying to eat this cracker and NO, I will not smile for a picture." (believe it or not this was the BEST after shot I could get!)

Pictures, pictures, pictures!

Backyard...

This actually seems really sad right now. I just have to remember that sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. For your sake I'm only including the viewpoint from the patio/back door...

Before. Pool is clean, trees are planted.

The palm tree had to go (it was in the way of the sewer line) so I had the tree guys remove everything green while they were at it.

Demolition begins. The fence gets torn down. Just days before my neighbor is set to move back home with her three dogs. Great.

New fence is put up. The walls of the pool (well, 18-24 inches anyway) are torn down. Now we're just waiting on more dirt. And waiting. No progress the past few days.

The Boy

The other day he thought it would be fun to climb into the bottom shelf. Of course I couldn't get my camera out and turned on fast enough to get a picture of him stuffed in there...but I did get a few cute shots as he climbed out. You can tell by the cheesy grin that he noticed the camera...

Blankets

This is for Sally. Here is evidence not only that I do have a bit of domestic goddess in me (laughing as I type) but that I am NOT destined to be a good photographer. I would blame my lack of quality equipment (and the fact that my point and shoot camera battery is dying and I can't find the charger), but the reality is that I just don't have the patience or desire to figure out a good place to put the blanket, get good light on the blanket, and then take a decent shot of the blanket. So Sally...you can see it in person in SIX WEEKS (woohoo!), but until then, here it is...

...and here is the one I made for J last year in case you hadn't seen it...

Us
Just because we rarely get this dressed up.